reflection

haa!
when i typed 'reflection' as the title,
there was this flashback of assembly times in cedar.

i seriously miss the good old days. =)

anw. yeah.
i still dont know how to put my emotions into words.

greenbean noted that it's not as if it's the 1st time i did unexpectedly well,
because i usually freak myself out.
i told you im neurotic.
plus, how can i not freak out when i nv finish studying in the first place?
im terrible.
and i swear tt i will finish everything for the exams.
i always swear tt i will, but somehow i dont achieve it.
i need help.

or maybe it's like something in my unconscious,
maybe ive been like that ever since i took cha's.
on my script, he wrote sth like,
congrats, you did really well, in fact, u've got the 2nd highest grades,
but tt's prolly because the rest did really badly.
sth like that la, cant rmb what else he wrote.

so..
even tho i did that eggcited dance with lots of squeals,
scaring bystander joanne wong in the process.
i can still rmb her bemused face.
HA.
at the end of the day,
the part abt how it's because of the rest, still got to me.

like how his every other comment abt me not putting in effort,
despite spending an average of 5-6 days doing his tutorial,
gets me.

as if i didnt deserve such grades.

he's got no fucking idea how much effort i put in,
and i will nv forgive him for treating our batch as deviant students.
thou, well, at the end of the day,
ive to applaud his effort,
cos we're not an easy bunch of students to teach.

primate reminds me of cha's.
but this time,
im sure that i deserve such grades.
i worked really hard,
even though i didnt finished revising all the readings,
but i guess him making us write summaries helped.

but i still have conflicting emotions.

anw,
it's been a long while since i've felt truly happy over grades.
usually i just feel relieved,
and some disbelief too.
and it gets worst when bird screams
"babe! wth! what kind of scores are those?! and you always say you didnt study!?"

maybe that's why ive these conflicting emotions.
im afraid that ppl will think that im one of those,
who mugs and then tell everyone that i didnt.
but i really didnt study for that mental health quiz,
i answered the qns based on knowledge acquired from other classes that i took leh.
and my anxiety before and after quizzes is genuine,
cos i know how much content i've covered.

oh well.
i guess at the end of the day,
as long as i 对得起自己的良心,
i'll be fine.

it's just that some part of me still thinks that im undeserving of such grades.
maybe it's conditioning,
like i always freak out before quizzes,
telling my friends tt im so screwed,
trying to seek comfort and assurance from them,
and then after all that,
i find out that i'm not that screwed up,
and it seems as if im lying,
and then guilt just turns up uninvited.

URGH im gg mad.
im trying to convince myself that i did earn my primate grades.
i did work hard what.
but the more i try, the more conflicted i feel.