im below average

hey you.
i know,
it's not the time to give up yet.
because it's just 2 more papers to freedom.

but this sucks.
ive tried so hard.
but im still below average for joyces.

and i know it's maladaptive to say things like
"ive put in so much effort, but things didnt work out.
i really dont want to study for her exam anymore."
because i know that im doing badly,
i should be doubling the effort that im putting in for her module.

but it's different when half of her readings are fucking difficult to understand.

i did try ok.
i've resisted the last episode of iswak2 til now,
and im determined to watch it only when exams end.

it's just that my heart isnt there anymore.
what's the point of studying human motivation,
when all it does is to make me feel so unmotivated.
and, i think compared to all the previous semesters,
im most unmotivated now.

it's like previously,
i had the INTRINSIC motivation to study.
cos everything was so interesting,
i could rmb like 80% of the things that i read,
cos i was like entertaining myself by applying them to myself,
and the ppl ard me.
but now it's like.
i dont even have the extrinsic motivation to study anymore.

THANK GOD IM NOT DOING FYP UNDER JOYCE.
she's draining my motivation. haha.

and ive realised that you're not the only one.
cos bird was like "haiyah girl ure just worrying too much la,
you always do fine in the exams even if you dont study everything!"
you ppl have too much faith in me. seriously.
im below the average!!

oh well.

screw exams.