[ s u p p r e s s e d * ]

finally went to shell’s place.
luckily we made a point to meet, cos shell’s going back to UK this sat.
=((
missing both shells and boons already.
*hugs*
good luck for your exams shells!
pls come back soon..

and my goodness.
im really overly emotional these days.

i think i had my ooo emoticon, that one with the big eyes and glistening tears?
i think i had that on my face today during clare's lesson.
she suddenly started talking about self-harm, and suicide, and it suddenly hit me.
my memories caught me off guard i guess.
it's true, there are some things that you think are forgotten long ago, but it only takes a little to let you know that they never left. they were just suppressed. and they'll always haunt you.
will they haunt me forever?

i've never really talked about this.

you know they teach you the signs of impeding self-destructive behavior.
like how suicide has many different warning signs.
but i missed them.
all of us did.
as clare was talking about something else, i felt like i've lost control of my mind.

i was watching a movie. flashbacks. how he reacted when he found out.
how she broke down.
how he asked me, why. why. why.
and she hugged me and sobbed.
how we all couldnt face it.
but i was different.
i knew those warning signs, like talking about dying or suicide. giving away prized possessions.
i knew them. but i didnt see them coming.
i dont think the rest did either. since it came as a shock for all of us.
but what if there were signs? it's just that i missed out on them?
i could have done something.

why?
til now, noone knows.
could i have done something to stop him?
i don’t know.
but i could have done sth to help the rest.
his family, and his friends.
but i just became speechless.
i couldn’t do anything but cry.
utterly useless.

that was another thing clare mentioned.
when ppl are depressed and stuff, do you know what to say to them?
i don’t. and i feel so helpless and useless when i don’t know what to say to them.
but at least, today, j* said she’ll run to me even when ive nth to say.. thanks. =)

but at that point, when she asked,
all i saw was them.
his dad, thanking us for coming.
my heart broke for him.
my heart broke for all of them.

then clare suddenly asked me if im ok.
bet my silly ooo emoticon face gave myself away.
and i was like shocked that she noticed, so i didn’t know how to react.
i just stumbled all over my words, and shook-nod my head.

what a great first impression i gave her. sigh.

then when she asked me, why are u taking this module?
i tried to tell her, what i want to learn.
how i want to help those who are grieving.
those who are engaging in self-destructive behavior.
but i felt like my words are choking me. stumbling all over them.

i dont want to be that emotionally unstable girl anymore.
stop getting emotionally affected you idiot!

and what if she thinks that im one of those who enrol into psych cos i myself have a psychological problem, so im gonna learn all about it, and heal myself.
cos she mentioned that at the beginning of the class.

ok. stop overreacting. it was just a ooo emoticon face now and then.
she wont delve too much into it.
dont be mad.

sch tmr!
evo psych.
wonder how it'll be like.
pls, no weird accents and inaudible mumbling.